Welcome to the ScreenSafe Podcast

So whatever age and stage your child is at, there'll be something here for you. Let's get going. Hello, and welcome to the very first episode of my new Screen-Safe Podcast.

I'm really excited to be here, and thank you for joining me. This is a podcast where we're going to be talking all about online safety. Literally no topic is going to be left out because it isn't online.

So we need to get up to speed with everything that is happening in our child's world. So we're going to be sharing lots of information around the different platforms, what's safe, what's not, what the main risks are. I'm going to be giving you some tips and resources that can help you on this journey.

And just all-round general support going through this, because it's damn hard being a parent whilst your child is also learning how to navigate and experiment online. It's not something any of us had to deal with when we were growing up. And how we use the Internet and all these different platforms is very different to how children are using it.

So we can easily be caught out with not realising what is actually happening on some of these platforms. Now, I am a mum of two myself. So I am right here in the thick of this with you, going through it day by day, both as a parent and also in my work.

So it will always, always come from a place of no judgment, because we do that enough to ourselves as parents. I don't know about you, but certainly I and many of the parents I know are always blaming ourselves for not doing something or doing something, not knowing something, knowing too much, not reacting quickly enough, not reacting harshly enough or reacting too harsh. And so it goes on.

So none of that here. This is a place for you to just know that it's okay not to know. It's okay to feel overwhelmed.

It's okay to feel frustrated. It's okay if it's causing arguments in your house about screen time or whether they can have Snapchat or TikTok or maybe something's already happened that is triggering some tension at home. It's all okay because here is where you can start to learn what steps to take to improve on whatever the situation is at the moment.

So whatever age and stage your child is at, there is going to be things that you can be doing right now to improve their safety online, their mental health and your time together at home. So I don't want anyone to feel like they've left it too late because their child is already addicted to their phone or they're always gaming or they've already had some bad experience. It's never too late to start improving things and learning more.

And likewise on the other end of the scale, if your child is younger and doesn't have access to much time online, or they certainly don't have a phone yet, or maybe they don't have access to an iPad, great, I'm really glad to have you here because you are in a great position to get on top and get ahead and understand what is happening and what your child will be facing as they get older. And unfortunately, it's probably not as old as you'd like them to be. So you can get ahead and get things in place.

You can have your boundaries established in your house and what's going to be acceptable for you as a family. And also make sure that you have the knowledge of what is going on and what the apps are being used between children at the moment. And no doubt by the time it comes to your child getting a phone or having more freedom online, it'll be completely different again.

It is such a fast moving world, but at least you're on top of it and you can get ahead of the game. So it really is a place for anyone who has children of any age. And there will be nuggets here that will help you, keep you sane, and also just make you feel that you're not alone, you know.

Often we try and pretend on the outside, such as social media, that everything's honky-dory and everyone, you know, we're happy families and your child. Yes, they're managing their screen time perfectly. Inside we're screaming, pulling our hair out, mortified, or just at our wits end of what to do next.

So safe place here, no judgment, and we're gonna talk about everything. So this first episode is really for me to set the scene, which I've already started doing, and to give you a bit of background about me and what I'm doing at Screen-Safe, so you know who's talking to you. And I'm going to leave you today with my number one tip that you can start putting into practice from today that will instantly keep your child safer online.

And no, it isn't banning every device forevermore, as tempting as that may be at times. It isn't really a practical or a long-time solution. So stay till the end for that tip.

It's very, very simple, but it's incredibly impactful. Okay, so let's get going. So we all know the online world, as I've touched on, moves insanely fast.

No surprise there. And we also know it isn't going to slow down and it's certainly not going away. So it is so important that we are able to equip our children with the right skills, tools, and mental resilience that they're going to need to navigate this online world that they will be exploring.

And it absolutely, I believe, starts with us. As parents, we cannot help them or build up their skills and awareness if we don't have it ourselves. If we don't understand how they're using their devices and we don't understand the platforms that they're going on, we may as well be talking to a brick wall.

And I recognize myself here because I was that parent who really didn't have a clue. And I hold my hands up and completely admit that, because as I said, this is a no judgment zone. And this is why it's a no judgment zone, because chances are whatever mistakes you've made, I've made some of them as well.

And I know I will make more, as will my children. It's called being human, being a parent, and being a child who's growing up and going through all sorts of hormones and changes. So my eldest daughter got her first phone when she was 11.

So she was in year six. And that was the sort of time that we'd pushed back to. We'd had lots and lots of requests before then, because of course everyone else in the classroom had one, according to her.

And we were getting that started building up at home, but we set that parameter ourselves, as that's what we were prepared to do. I wasn't happy about it, but I realized that she was going to be starting high school seven months later, and actually she needed to get used to having this device. So I felt comfortable that by the time she started high school, she was managing it as well as she could do at that stage.

So she was definitely one of the last in her class to get her phone. I think there were several others that didn't quite have one at the same time she did, but she was definitely there. So there was that pressure as well of is she going to start getting bullied?

Is she missing out on things? And to be honest, I did feel quite frustrated and a little bit angry that I was feeling peer pressure from society and other 10, 11 year olds to give my daughter a phone or access to a social media platform before we wanted. And it was all driven out of that fear of her being left out or getting bullied for not having it.

And again, a complete disclaimer here. I really did not understand much of it at all. I was not a big social media myself, so I'd never really heard of Snapchat and I hadn't heard of TikTok.

And I'd certainly not used either of them. So I didn't understand the risks or the potential harm from letting her have access to any of this. And I'd say then, my biggest worry was her becoming addicted to a phone.

That was my initial concern with handing my daughter a phone was how are we going to manage this so it doesn't start to drive a wedge between us all and she is glued to the phone and doesn't want to do anything without her phone or we get the mood swings if we start restricting things. That was my main concern and a valid one. As anyone knows with children with devices, they easily become addicted.

But I knew I wanted to try and keep up more than I was. I very quickly felt out of my depth and I very quickly realized that my daughter was going to be a lot more tech savvy than me, a lot more quickly than I could keep up with. And I wanted to take back control, not in a controlling way, but in a way that I wanted to give her the freedom to learn and grow and make the inevitable mistakes, but in a safer way.

I wanted to minimize the impact and the risks of those mistakes. And I quickly realized that I was not alone in this situation. And I realized whilst my daughter was actually using my phone before she got her own, how few parents either monitored what their child was doing online or how long they were using their device or when they were using device based on the volume and content of messages that used to come through to my phone.

Because I let my daughter use my phone to keep in touch with friends during COVID when she didn't have a phone of her own. And wow, that was a wake up call and extremely annoying. Waking up and having all these messages that have come through at like two, three in the morning from 10 year olds.

It's like, what's going on? Why are these children sending all these messages? 90% of which was utter nonsense, just repeated conversations of hi, hi, hi.

But there was also signs there of, you know, it didn't take long for bullying behaviour to come in. Not necessarily directed at my daughter, but groups being created and to start talking nastily about people or picking on someone in that group. It started very quickly and spread very quickly.

And so that was my first sort of red flag of, hang on, is nobody else monitoring phones here? Do people not see what their children are actually sending? Which meant that by the time my daughter did get her phone, I was ready.

One of our first rules and boundaries in place was that we will know your passcode at all times and we will be able to pick up your phone and look through it at any time. So if there's anything on there that you're not happy or seeing, that's a massive sign that you shouldn't be sending it or doing it.

So with that, so that highlighted to me that not just that there were so many parents that didn't necessarily know how long their child was spending online, but how they were behaving, what were they actually accessing. And with COVID coming into the mix, it's no surprise that screen time went through the roof in many households, but we've not really recovered since. It's just become a new normal, whatever that looks like.

So I decided to take matters into my own hands and I thought, I'm not the only one who feels like this. I started researching things and was completely overwhelmed. Didn't have the time to sift through it all.

How much, where do you start? You know, am I looking at social media? Am I, how, parental control, screen time, roadblocks?

And your head just starts fizzing more than it normally is. And then it inevitably ends up with one of these, I'll look at that later, tasks. So I threw myself into it and I researched and studied absolutely everything I could find on this topic from NSPCC, from the National Crime Agency, from all sorts of different charities that do work in this space and organizations, but also into the individual platforms as well.

So Snapchat, TikTok, the social media channels, the gaming. And looking also at the mental impact, what's happening to our children's brains, understanding how our children's brains are developing and changing at different stages, and then what impact our screens and then what is being seen on those screens having on our child's development and also just their mental well-being overall. Now, I have undertaken training with the NSPCC and also with C-OP, which is the Child Exploitation and Online Protection, who are part of the National Crime Agency.

And I will absolutely never stop learning in this area because this space will never stop changing. So there is no end in sight. And even with all that, with all the time that I spent and still spend researching, learning and understanding myself and working full-time in this area, I still feel at times that I struggle to keep up.

No sooner or ever feel, right, I actually am on top of this at the moment, something, a new app comes out or a new trend or a new way of children being targeted through different sources. It is relentless. So it is no wonder that other parents who are trying to manage everything that life throws at you, trying to work, manage multiple children, activities, et cetera, how on earth are they going to have the time?

Who has the time to come home and spend two hours researching roadblocks to see if it's safe and understand what the risks are, and then understand how you make it as safe as possible or maybe decide that it's not as suitable for your child at the moment. Which is better, Snapchat or TikTok? What can go wrong?

What trends are happening out there now? And I've heard bad things about Snapchat, but what's really that bad about it? All on top of life in general.

So it is absolutely no surprise it falls into the, I'll come back to that, yet we need to talk about that at the weekend pile so often. And then the result is we have children getting access to platforms and content that they really shouldn't be. Negative habits being formed and dangerous situations happening right in your own home.

And hands up here, my daughter, on the day she got her phone, the first thing she wanted was Snapchat. And as I said earlier, I didn't really know much about Snapchat. So I did some research, which lasted all of, I'd say, 15 minutes at a push.

Looked through it. Oh yes, this is the one with all the funny filters where she can turn herself into a talking broccoli, or she can become a rabbit. Yes, I can see why that's appealing to children.

Off we go. I put in a false date of birth because you have to be 13 to have Snapchat. So I needed to put in that she was 13.

I downloaded it onto my phone and connected with her because I felt then that that was another safety measure in place, because I would see her, I would know who she's friends with and who she's speaking to. And that was the extent of my research. So when I say there's no judgment, that's why there's no judgment because I've messed up.

I've done things that I shouldn't have done. I've let my child have apps or games or social media that I absolutely would not now. My second child is having a very, very different experience to my first child.

So whatever you have or haven't done, whatever you do or don't know, whether your child has an iPad or a phone or not, do not worry. I am here to support you and I'm going to give you the resources and the information you need to help you make better informed decisions moving forward. You need to start by understanding the world that your child is experiencing and how they're experiencing it.

And that will enable you to take action as and when needed in the right areas and in the different stages of your child's growth. Because we all know what's going on with a seven-year-old is a whole different world compared to how you're dealing with something with a 12 or 13-year-old or a nine-year-old. So much is happening each year that, again, it's not a case of one conversation, and we've covered off that and we're good now.

It's going to be something you revisit all the time and you're constantly, constantly talking about it. So it becomes second nature. And I'm there to help facilitate those conversations.

So you've got the information, you feel informed and empowered, so you can stand firm by your decisions with your child, remove any sort of peer pressure or guilt or feeling that you're negatively impacting your child because you're not letting them have Snapchat when they're 10 years old. I can assure you the things that you are not letting them have access to on Snapchat at 10 years old is far more beneficial than the potential impact of them missing out on a few chats between their friends.

So whatever age and stage your child is at, you can be doing things now. We want to be proactive and feel ready for whatever stage your child is at. So instead of this panic mode, often we're in a reactive state.

Something goes wrong and we have a knee-jerk reaction, understandably. And then that often also causes more tension at home or triggers arguments, etc., etc.

So we're going to remove the chance of that happening. I can't guarantee there's ever going to be any tension or friction around tech anymore in your house, but let's try and jump the gun and get ahead of the game instead of feeling like we are running behind with legs that just cannot keep up with what is happening with our child. So I get it.

It is hard to know where to start. It is overwhelming. The amount of information that you feel you need to know.

How do you strike that balance between giving your child some privacy and feeling like you are policing them? And frankly, who has the time to read every single message that comes through to your child's phone? Because I am telling you, the volume of messages that children send to each other, that would be a full-time job in itself and a very, very mind-numbing one.

99% of what they're sending is harmless nonsense. But so we need to find constructive ways that we can set those boundaries in place, start building up that mutual trust and respect, which is obviously crucial for this to work. And when do you start having some of those more difficult conversations such as ones about pornography or grooming or sexting?

And with the average age now that children are seeing porn being 11 to 13, with some stats from the NSPCC saying it's as young as seven, these conversations are so important and we need to be having them on a regular basis. And unfortunately, we need to be having them a lot more early than you'd probably like. I remember having conversations with my eldest about grooming and pornography, and it just broke my heart.

I felt like I was taking away her innocence, but I knew I had to have those conversations because of something that had already come through on her phone. And if I didn't have that conversation, someone in the playground or something or someone online was going to give her their version of the information. And I wanted to make damn sure that she had the facts and that she has that understanding, that there is that clear line of open communication and she can come and ask me or tell me anything.

And there are times that words or phrases or expressions come out of her mouth and it does make me do a double take or think, oh my goodness, I didn't know about this when I was your age, or I'd never heard that expression or that phrase at that age. But I'm just very grateful that she feels she can say these things to me without embarrassment or without shame. So it is about striking that balance between informing and equipping our children and us as parents, but not scaremongering them.

You know, thinking that it's inevitable that something bad is going to happen or that all tech and devices are harmful serves nobody and it isn't true. There is a lot of benefits to be had online. And whether we like it or not, it's very much part of our children's generation.

It's how they socialize, it's how they do research, it's involved in their homework, it's involved in all aspects of their life from a very early age. And it's going to be involved in their future careers in some capacity. Who knows what, you know, the jobs that our children end up doing, no doubt, half of them aren't even invented yet.

So, but it isn't going anywhere. So we have to have that building up of that skill set so that they, they know how to recognize the risk, they know how to get away and protect themselves, but they also know that there's some great opportunities to be had and they can manage and self-regulate themselves. That's the long-term goal.

So I'm going to finish this episode with the one top tip that I mentioned at the start. I wanted to keep this episode fairly short. So you just got a good idea of the sort of things that are going to be coming up.

And hopefully you'll be excited to listen to the upcoming podcasts.

Now, the one tip...

Now, I'm going to finish this episode with that one instant tip that I mentioned at the start. And that is no devices in the bedroom at night. I told you it was simple.

But that is it. Preferably in the day, when they are younger, but certainly in the evening and overnight. A study by the National Sleep Foundation found that 96% of teens take some form of device into their bedroom at night.

So the impact of that is going to be huge, whether it's from disrupted sleep, so then they're not concentrating properly or learning properly or just functioning in whatever they're doing the next day, through to partaking in more risky behaviors, such as accessing platforms you said no to, talking to strangers, viewing pornography or other inappropriate content. And try and look at it like when you let your child take their phone or device to bed, you are effectively leaving that front door open with a sign to your child's bedroom saying, all strangers welcome. And I know that might seem ludicrous or of course it's not like that.

But if you are letting your child take their device with access to Wi-Fi up to their bedroom, completely unsupervised, then anyone out there is able to access your child through that device. And that is one of the rules I would say, get that in as early as possible. It's...

I would get this rule in as early as possible. It's much harder to work backwards. Not impossible and absolutely worth doing, but inevitably it's harder, especially the older they get.

Trying to get a 14-year-old to feel happy about leaving their device downstairs overnight when they've had a phone that they've taken into their bedroom since they were 8. There's going to be some pushback. But try it for yourself too.

Do it together. Make a pact. An agreement that works for your family.

All phones are charged in the kitchen overnight. And you'll probably soon realize how addicted you are to your phone. I did.

I realized how much it was impacting my sleep. I think I'm getting into bed at a decent time, but then 40 minutes go by. And I've just scrolled through nothing that I can remember.

Just that inevitable scrolling, which is then wiring up my brain again instead of calming it down. Or I'm seeing something that upsets me or excites me or makes me think of other things. So then my brain's going off, off, off, off on all these different channels when it should be relaxing and closing down for the evening.

And that is what is happening with our children. So many teachers are talking about young children, primary age children, as young as years one and two and three, who are struggling to stay awake at school because they find out that they're on YouTube or they're on their iPad on something till one o'clock, two o'clock in the morning. I couldn't function at work the next day.

So what it's doing to children just doesn't bear thinking about. So you've got the impact of sleep, which we all know how important sleep is, particularly for children. And that's without adding in that risk, the danger factor of what are they actually seeing?

Who is talking to your child? What content are they being exposed to? What impact is that having on their brain, their views, their opinions?

And it's all happening completely unsupervised while they're on their own. It's a very, very vulnerable state. So model the behaviour you want to see.

We're going to talk about screen time. We're going to talk about setting boundaries. We're going to talk about all sorts, as I said, everything on podcasts coming up.

But right now, I'd really like you to take that into your house. Let me know how you get on. I'd love you to drop me a message and let me know if you've done it yourself or if you're doing it with your child first and how it's working for you.

And if you're happy to share with others, then please do, because the more we support each other on this and feel that as parents, we are standing together and saying, no, we're not going to be dictated to by Apple or Snapchat or Roblox or anyone else. We are taking back control of what is healthy and what our children are seeing and doing. So share your success, share your struggles.

There will be struggles, there will be pushback. And the best way to get through it is to know that you're not alone and we can support each other. So you can DM me at any time.

You can drop me an email. My inbox is always open. So I hope you found that useful and I hope you found this first episode intriguing.

If there are any topics specifically you'd like me to focus on moving forwards, do drop me a message and I will add it to my future schedule. I have got a lot planned in. One thing I'm never going to have a problem with with this podcast is coming up with content because there's just so much to talk about.

But please let me know what areas you specifically would like to hear about. And I can always, if there's a general theme of one particular thing, we can move the schedule around and bring that forward a bit. Next week, I'm going to be talking about the tween age years, and that's that crucial age between seven to 11, 12, where children are going through so much change.

Hormones are kicking in. They're much more bothered about what their friends think, usually getting their first phone at the same time and a bit more freedom in terms of where and when they can access the internet. So it's a real melting pot of hormones and new experiences happening.

And it's often an overlooked age because we're focusing so much on the teenage years or when they go to high school. But this is a really crucial stage to get to groups with your boundaries and teaching that online safety and how to behave online, how to keep safe online. So next week is all about that stage, and I'm going to be covering off three key areas that we need to be focusing on as a priority for our tween ages.

So thank you very much for joining me. I'm really looking forward to speaking to you more in the future, and please do feel free to share this with anyone who you feel could benefit from today's episode and the upcoming episodes. So anyone who's interested in keeping our children safer online, I'd love it if you'd share so we can reach as many parents and teachers as possible and really start to make a difference.

Thank you. Take care. Speak to you soon.

If you enjoyed this episode, I'd be really grateful if you would share it with anyone else who you think might find this podcast helpful. You can follow me on Instagram at ScreenSafe Global or sign up via my website, screensafe.co.uk or via the link in Instagram to receive my weekly newsletter with more hints, tips, and all-round support on everything to do with online safety.